Black Heart

Habits are sometimes formed without being noticed
without knowing that the behaviour,
the the thought processes or patterns are
being ingrained into our lives.
The way we interact with people or
think of ourselves,
the way we allow people to treat us or
the things we do
to ourselves
come from a place of such familiarity
that we don’t even realize we are doing it.
Sometimes patterns are so much a fabric of our being
that we cannot navigate the world without them.
Even when we think we have broken them, started fresh, cleansed ourselves,
purged the blackness from our hearts,
the basis for them is still there and is transferred to something,
or someone, else.
And the habit repeats, returns, looking like a new behaviour
but it is still the same blackness
just packaged differently,
disguised from ourselves so we don’t realize that
we have once again become
Addicted.
You are my addiction,
my blackness,
the evil that I once had controlling my life
that stole from me my strength
My dignity
My self respect.
Like heroine coursing through my veins
I crave you and the way you make me cringe
and feel worthless
The way you steal away my Joy and
make me long for Hope.
My body aches to feel you touch  me with tenderness
while my mind knows your touch will only
leave bruises, jagged track marks from your cruel words
that prick my skin
Seeping into my blood and turning everything inside
dark and sad.
You are familiar to me,
with your lies and gaslighting
Your smooth voice and your empty promises.
I know you,
I remember from a past I try to forget,
but cannot.
This pain, this longing for something,
anything else,
other than the gaping black hole inside me where my heart once was
before he soiled it.
You make me remember how it feels to be small,
to be lied to and laughed at.
You make me remember that I’m
Unlovable,
Unworthy,
Unimportant
Not good enough.
You with your perfect words that make me forget
for a moment
how I was lying crumpled on the floor,
destroyed by your callousness,
just moments ago;
You are familiar to me.
I remember this, I know how to live like this
I know how to be
Broken.
I want to forget.
I want to unlearn this self loathing,
this emptiness.
I don’t want to live within the familiar anymore.
I don’t want to need this fix,
jonesing for a hit, that will drop me to the floor,
devastated
by your indifference
I have to give you up, get over you,
get you out of my head, my veins, my heart!
I need to stop needing this fix that never makes it right
but only keeps me feeling
wrong
about everything.
You are familiar to me
because you are just like him
and I don’t want to be the me that was Her,
the bruised and broken one
without Hope.
I want to be the me that walked with purpose,
that was okay being on her own and knew
Exactly whose eyes she was looking into each morning in the mirror.
I want myself back,
with a heart painted red
Not black.
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