Fragile Males, Cover your ears.

The following message comes from a place of RAGE. Profanity, violence and adult content is about to be expressed….If you don’t like it, too fucking bad! Because I am enraged and I am not going to censor myself anymore!

Fuck you and everything you said. it was all lies, messing with my head. Messing with my head.

“Be quiet.” “Be nice.” “Smile, Honey.”

If one more man tells me that I need to be “nicer”, I swear to the Creator I will smash his face with my clenched fist. I am not your fucking eye candy so stop looking at me with your predatory glare. Stop reaching for me with your claws disguised as gentle hands. Take your condescending and patronizing words and swallow them down; I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I hope you choke on your sugar-coated bullshit!

Fuck you and everything you said. it was all lies, messing with my head. Messing with my head.

“Give your Uncle a hug. Go on! Be polite.”

NO!! Children need to be allowed to say, “No.” They need to be allowed to have autonomy over their bodies; they know if they want to hug or be hugged. Stop telling them to be polite and force-feeding them Stranger-Danger bullshit! Children are people and they have the same rights as you- their parents. You are supposed to be more concerned about your child’s well-being than being polite to that predatory relative that hugs too long, whose hands roam too far, and whose kisses find your (child’s) mouth as you become more and more compliant all in the name of being polite. Children must be allowed to say, “No!”

Fuck you and everything you said. it was all lies, messing with my head. Messing with my head.

“Work hard. Get an Education. Play by the Rules”

The Rules? The Rules that have us believing that its our fault the we are poor, marginalized, dehumanized? Rules that created social norms that tell us if we only did “this” or stopped doing “that” we could be “successful”? Which really means being part of an ever-growing pool of worker drones swallowing lies, consuming more “stuff” so they can post selfies of their perfect lives. Meanwhile they are terrified that it’s all gonna fall apart any day now. Success means Consumerism, it means the hardening of our hearts against those “Have Nots”, who just don’t work hard enough. “Pull yourself up by your boot straps, Sonny.” That is fucking impossible, Man, cuz I don’t have any fucking boots!

Fuck you and everything you said. it was all lies, messing with my head. Messing with my head.

“Think positive and your life will be Beautiful.”

I have spent years in therapy to dismantle and unlearn all the Patriarchal and misogynistic messages I internalized from…birth. Messages that made me feel ugly, stupid, slutty, deserving of assault, rape and abandonment. Messages that told me I should be “grateful for all the good in my life”. But when I take stock, I fucking see this: a woman who has wounds and scars inflicted by men that will never heal. I see children who bear scars inflicted by a man who was supposed to love and protect them. I see a bankrupt life, literally and figuratively; no money, no savings, no prospects. Just pain and more pain because of shit that happened TO ME that I did not have any control over, did not “ask for”. And you want me to be fucking GRATEFUL?

Fuck you and everything you said. it was all lies, messing with my head. Messing with my head.

“You Femi-Nazis need to calm down.”

Women need to RAGE against the Patriarchy. Burn it all down! Fucking kill your rapist; erase him from your life, from this Earth. We need to take back our Power and smash the Patriarchy. Fuck being polite, fuck smiling and fuck being nice! And fuck those who rebuff us and dismiss us as “hysterical women”. I am not emotional, I am not “on the rag”. I am not having a crisis or a breakdown. I am fucking ENRAGED and I am not keeping it quiet for your comfort anymore! I have been sick with this poison that society has been feeding me, choking on its foulness and swallowing it down. Now, I am puking my guts out and letting everyone see the disgusting mess, smell the foul odour of all the lies I have been fed my whole life. I refuse to be sick so you can feel in control.

Fuck you and everything you said. it was all lies, messing with my head. Messing with my head.

*Lyrics by K.Flay from the song Messing with my head.

Divorce and Poverty

There is a consistent theme to domestic violence and divorce that people don’t recognize or even understand; poverty. When a woman leaves her abuser, she is six times more likely to be murdered by him. She is 100 per cent likely to be financially abused and forced to live in poverty and very likely to go bankrupt.

Women lose assets when they leave an abusive marriage; house, vehicle, equity, retirement savings etc. What they “gain” is legal fees, court dates, job loss and stigma. Women face more abuse from their ex-spouse in the form of stalking and harassment, often including unexpected and intrusive “visits” to their place of employment causing employers to become frustrated and co-workers to feel unsafe. Though it is undeniably unfair,  many employers feel the only recourse they have to fire the woman. Sometimes a woman will lose several jobs consecutively, leaving her feeling helpless and hopeless. She will end up on Ontario Works and be plunged headfirst into abject poverty with little hopes of getting out.

Abusers hate losing, they do not accept being told “no” and they do not like to lose control. When a woman leaves her abuser, he will use any means available or necessary to regain control. This will often mean withholding support, stalling on the sale of the matrimonial home and, most common, use Family Court to keep her tied to him with frequent court hearings and motions which will cost her money that she simply does not have. I have heard far too many women say that their exes have warned that they will “destroy” her if she leaves and realize he was  true to his word as she struggles to pay her bills, keep a roof over her head and put food on the table. She often will have her children at least half the time which will add to her financial responsibilities. It will also magnify her distress as she feels guilty for not being to provide for her children the way she used to.

Too often I have sat with women as they cry, feeling overwhelmed and hopeless about their future as her abuser continues to use Family Court to further abuse her. Even more frustrating is that the courts allow it to happen. They allow men to bring motions forward to request minimal and ridiculous changes to current Orders or request new Orders regarding custody and access and support that leave women no choice but to concede. Concession often means she is not receiving the financial support she and her children are entitled to and that any money she already should have been receiving is relinquished, leaving her with more legal fees and financial hardship.

Financial hardship and poverty is not just a struggle for her, but it sometimes leads to custody issues. Child Protective Services seem to take issue when a woman needs to have her children sharing space (ie bedrooms) when she cannot afford housing that gives each child their own bedroom. Knowing that she does not have money to provide all the extras a child may need, such as seasonal clothing, school supplies, extracurricular activities etc., will sometimes lead them the recommend that she have less access than her abuser because he can provide these things. This is completely unfair and irrelevant to the quality of care she is giving her children. This is also an added insult to injury as CPS are often very judgemental of women in abusive relationships and will threaten to remove her children from her care if she doesn’t get the abuser out of the home or leave herself. They do not offer to connect her with supportive services, nor do they put their recommendations in to writing so she has some sort of leverage in court to support her claim for sole custody.

People think when a woman leaves, the abuse ends. It doesn’t. People think that when she is fighting for her equitable share of assets she is a gold digger. She is not. People think when she fights to keep her children safe she is trying to punish her abuser. She is not. Women leave their abusers when they can because they have to in order to survive. They do not deserve to be judged or isolated or stigmatized for it. They do not deserve to be financially destroyed and the courts should not allow it.

It’s no surprise to those of us who advocate for victims of domestic violence that poverty becomes a way of life, particularly those of us who are also Survivors. That resignation is what is the problem. The fact that society either expects it, enables it or ignores it is what leaves women vulnerable, hopeless and defeated. Divorce should not mean poverty for women. Your mother, sister, friend, teacher, co-worker….they all deserve better.

 

Trauma stole my joy

I have been working with a psychologist for sometime to work through some trauma from the abuse I suffered in my marriage. We have been using EMDR as a means to help me process through particularly painful episodes of abuse which have caused me to suffer from PTSD. Before we began the EMDR, the psychologist asked me questions about my childhood, my family, my upbringing, my friends. She was building a timeline, trying to pinpoint episodes of trauma which were still causing me pain. Trauma comes in many forms and there were episodes that I didn’t even remember until I began this therapy. The sessions are intense, emotional and painful. I leave the office feeling drained, exhausted and often need to go home and sleep.  I’ve  begun having vivid nightmares  and flashbacks. I have panic attacks and moments of fear and anxiety that are not related to the “now” but are somehow triggered by where I am and/or what I am doing. I also began remembering episodes of trauma that were “unlocked” by the EMDR. This is very common as our brains process events, and as we begin to heal, other painful events surface as we are able to cope with them. I have had to take breaks from the sessions to give myself time to heal; the memories of the trauma bring back the darkness and pain and sometimes have me feeling hopeless, worthless and unworthy.

I am 46 years old and still feeling the effects of childhood trauma. I have been divorced from my abuser for 14 years and I am still feeling the effects of the domestic violence I lived with in my marriage. The wounds are deep and lasting and leave me feeling defensive, protective and cautious. Trust does not come easy and I am prone to assuming that people do not value me because I am, of course, not worthy. I expect bad things to happen to me because, of course, I deserve it. When I encounter a situation that leaves me feeling unsure, I automatically assume the worst because, of course, good things don’t happen to people like me. This is what abandonment, sexual assault and abuse  do to a person’s psyche.

People think that because something happened “a long time ago” that it should not affect you anymore. They think that seeing a counsellor or psychologist means that you are healed and you should be “over it” by now. But that is not how it works. Science has proven that childhood trauma such as abuse, abandonment, divorce changes a child’s DNA; it changes who they are and who they could have been had the trauma not happened. When you experience multiple events of trauma in your lifetime, the effects cannot be erased, no matter how much therapy you get. You are now a product of the trauma. However, the brain can process the trauma and the messages received by the trauma can be changed. You can learn how to navigate the world with newly attained tools that help you to feel more secure and be productive and find happiness.

Trauma stole my ability to be happy, to see a future for myself and expect anything other hurt and disappointment. My psychologist showed me the timeline she constructed after our many sessions talking about my life; it was full of traumatic events. From the time I was a small child, I have experienced various traumatic events that shaped the person I was. It was very upsetting to realize that I had suffered so much; clearly I must somehow be deserving of pain if I have been subjected to so much of it. A year later, I know that this is not so. I know that I am a good person, I know I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I know that I am worthy of love. I am empowered and in charge of my life. And while my therapy is not yet finished, I no longer dread my sessions but attend with the knowledge that the pain is now temporary and I will get through it and I will be okay.

This is how I explain trauma to people: trauma causes a wound on our soul. If we cannot handle the pain, our brain hides the trauma from us and protects us from the pain. But, it is still there. It will cause us to be triggered, reactive and can cause mental illness such as depression or anxiety. Sometimes we will behave in ways that do not seem like ourselves, we act out by taking unhealthy risks, engaging in dangerous activities or having toxic relationships. This is the wound of the trauma festering, poisoning our lives and making it impossible to feel genuine joy. We do not feel we deserve happiness, we do not know what security and safety are so we do not seek it out. The festering wound continues to poison us until we finally break down. We may begin to feel physical symptoms such as chronic pain, fibromyalgia or autoimmune disorders. We may suffer from depression, anxiety disorders, PTSD. When we seek help, not just for the physical ailments, but also for the mental and emotional pain, we are able to find this festering wound and take care of it. We are able to peel off the scab that our brain used to hide the pain from us and allow the poison drain out. We can allow ourselves to feel the pain, the anger, the hurt and confusion and work through it. We are cleaning out the poison and allowing ourselves to heal. The wounds will close, but there will always be a scar. We will forever be marked by the trauma, but we are no longer being poisoned by it.

Scars remind us of what we suffered, but they also remind us what we have overcome. We learn to value ourselves and believe that we are important. We learn that we did not deserve what happened to us; we are not bad, we did not ask for it. We learn to empower ourselves and trust ourselves. We learn how to hope, see a future and create happiness for ourselves.

As a Survivor Advocate, I am able to use my experiences to educate others about the effects of sexual assault and domestic violence. I am able to be an ally to victims and other survivors and support them on their journey to healing and empowerment. Without support from my allies, I could not have made the journey and come out on the other side knowing that I am worthy, I am important, I am strong. And even when the darkness tries to creep in, I know how to face it and not be afraid. I reach for those who have always been there to hold me up and keep me from sliding down into that abyss of pain and fear. Survivors are the strongest people I know. And while most are women, I do know some male Survivors who may have a different experience, but the trauma still impacts us in the same way; it steals our joy. Together, we can hold on to our joy and continue on a path of healing. Together we continue to speak up for those who have not yet found their voice. We march and rally and protest to educate people with the purpose bringing understanding and of making change. We stand in solidarity to protect one another and be a visible reminder that there are too many of us and there will be more Survivors if we don’t all work together to change attitudes and social norms that allow assault and abuse to be normalized and accepted.

 

Keep Looking Forward

Breathe. You made it though the holidays, maybe in pieces, but here you are. So breathe, take a minute to give yourself kudos for making it through. You will work on picking up the little pieces of yourself that were chipped away with every disappointment, frustration, limitation and hardship that you faced and with each one tell yourself, ” I am doing best. My best is good enough.”

I have been in your shoes. Hell, I am in your shoes. Though I have been apart from my abuser for almost 14 years, I remember viscerally what it was like those first few years, facing the holidays with a knot in my stomach and my heart in my throat, close to tears daily… barely holding on. It was heart wrenching knowing that I could not give my children the kind of Christmas (or Easter or birthday or, or, or…) that they had when we lived in an upper middle class family. I felt so inadequate and impotent. I felt angry and desperate because we were now living in poverty, as so many women and children do after she leaves her abuser, and I could not provide for them the way he used to. I dreaded the holidays, and though I tried to hide this dread from my kids, I know they felt it. However, I showed them that we could make new traditions that were about us; safe and together. It was difficult to know that their faces would show disappointment rather than joy when they saw the meager gifts I was able to give them. Jason never offered to help with Santa gifts, never sent gifts to the children. But he did do everything he could to make the holidays scary and sad and difficult, particularly for me. He never missed an opportunity to tell me that I was lying in the bed I had made for us all and the fact that the children and I had next to nothing was my own fault. I left, so tough shit that the children and I are living poverty. He used to belittle the fact that we live in rent geared to income housing, snidely calling me a “welfare mom”. I was working at minimum wage job, full time when I could, to provide for my children. But we all know that is not enough. Jason never let an opportunity to remind me just how inadequate I was as a provider, as a mother because we were poor. Money was always his biggest motivator and he looked down on those who didn’t have it. Even his children and their mother.

My children took away some tough but valuable lessons from all of this; materialistic ideals are not important. They do not make you who you are or who you want to become; “stuff” is just stuff. What is important is family, love, laughter, kindness and compassion. My children are three of the most kind, empathetic, socially aware persons I know. They are resilient and tough and have hearts that are warm and giving. They are amazing people. I know that they became this way, in part, because of the battles they faced, the hardships they overcame. I also acknowledge that it is also in part because I am a good mother.

I am a good mother. It took a long time for me to be able to say this and believe it. And you will be able to say it, too, someday with conviction and confidence. Believe that, believe in yourself.

The path you are on right now is difficult to navigate, there are many bumps and potholes along the way. You will face hardships you never knew before and battles that feel hopeless. You are caught in the wheels of a broken and slow moving System that does not care about victims of domestic violence. In truth, it does not care about women at all. You will suffer injustices that will likely leave you reeling with incredulity and anger. This is the truth and it sounds insurmountable. However, you will get through it. None of this is as difficult as the battles you have already faced, surviving domestic violence and getting out. You are tough as nails, even if you don’t realize it yet. I’m telling you; you are!

So breathe. You made it through the holidays. Now, one foot in front of the other, looking forward. You got this.

Is Anyone Listening?

Recently, I was part of a project spearheaded by our local woman’s shelter and Algonquin college. The project is a video, which will be a mandatory component of the Victimology program. It is meant to shed light on the rural realities of domestic violence. There were five women, including myself, who were filmed telling their stories, sharing their truth, and talking about their journey from survivor to advocate. It is an important and impactful project. It was an honour to be asked to participate. It was also triggering and difficult and brought up so many memories for me.  I found myself feeling anxious, distracted and apathetic. I just could not seem to get my shit together on a daily basis; I couldn’t focus on tasks, felt disengaged from my work and my friends. I felt distant from my boyfriend and even questioned his commitment to me and our relationship. However, he stood by me and was supportive and sympathetic to what I was going through.

The night the film was being launched was December 6th. This is the National Day of Action to end violence against women. The Sexual Assault/Domestic Violence Committee, of which I am a member, hosted a Vigil at the Women’s Monument in Perth, Ontario. After the Vigil, the film was presented for community members to watch. None of my family or lifetime friends came to support me at the vigil or the film. What is so telling to me, is that the man I am in relationship with, a man I have known barely 6 months, was there. He always shows up, holds my hand and is present and that is such a surprise to me. I genuinely feel that he is a gift to me. For years,  I have been feeling so unsure if I am truly lovable after all the trauma of my childhood, adulthood and my marriage.   Since I began dating, I have met abusive, controlling men and wondered if I am a magnet for them or something, or if old habits do not die after all. I really felt that these messages of “you’re unlovable, you’re not worthy, you’re not important,” that I have received most of my life, are true. My boyfriend is showing me with his love and kindness, that I am lovable. My newfound friends and allies are showing me with their solidarity and strength that I am worthy, I am important.

My family and longtime friends, have never supported my advocacy work. They have never come to an event I have organized or come to hear me speak or support me at a march, a rally etc. With the exception of my father, who has been my protector, my champion and my biggest supporter from the “back of the room”. He, too, suffers because of my abusive marriage and finds it difficult to be in places where he is triggered. I empathize and I understand and I know he is always there in spirit.

I did not share many personal experiences about my abuse the day of the filming. Every time I tried to write  the words down, I couldn’t. Every time I tried to speak, I felt like I was choking. So, I said what I really needed people to hear, what I really needed to say: I’m a survivor, but more so an advocate. And this is why.

I do get tired of talking, tired of explaining, tired of sharing and allowing myself to become vulnerable to strangers, only to have my words fall on deaf ears. I often feel like I am walking alone on this road to make change and sometimes I wonder if the physical, mental, emotional toll it takes on me is worth it. My doctors tell me I should not be working a job because I am not well, but I love my community and want to help the people here. I have the knowledge, the empathy and the passion to do so and I want to. I also know that I cannot provide for my family on the meager amount I receive  from  the Ontario Disability Support Program. Most importantly, I do it because someone has to. My grandmother, my hero, taught me that if you see a need and you can fill it, then you must do so. It is not enough to be compassionate or to empathize, you must DO something. And so, I do.

I have been seeking out connections with people who understand, who share my passion to make change and who will be there. That is why the women who were part of the video project and the women from the Shelter who brought us together are ALL so important to me. That is why I feel so empowered when I’m with them.  That is why I hope we can continue to meet and share and laugh and support one another. I am so grateful to have them all in my life. They keep me strong.

I cannot share the film here until rules of copyright has been decided on. I want the world to see it because I know that our realities are the realities of women and children living in rural areas in any country. Isolation keeps abusers strong and victims silent. Apathy and deliberate ignorance keeps abusers powerful and leaves women and children living in fear and, too often, leads to  their demise. People need to speak up and speak out against domestic violence. Women and children are dying and we need everyone to take notice, become outraged and ACT.

For information on how you can help, visit See It, Name It, Change It on Facebook.

The System is Broken

The SYSTEM is broken.

It is as broken as her wrist, her arm, her collarbone

Her Heart

Her Spirit.

Every 6 days in this country a woman is murdered by her abuser.

Tonight, more than 3400 women and over 2700 children will sleep in shelters

Because it is not safe at home.

300 more women will be turned away

Forced to roam the streets or worse

Go home.

The numbers do not lie. They tell us what we don’t want to see

With our eyes but know in our heart

How many more women must die?

The SYSTEM is chained

to a cinder block called tradition, formed by the philosophy

that comes from a history of misogyny that says,

All women are liars.

It is sinking in a pit of Patriarchy

Where every woman is scrutinized and scorned

Because she “asked for it”, she stayed, and she stayed silent.

The SYSTEM is ineffective in being protective

Of the women and children

Lost in the wasteland we call Family Law.

Ignoring the cries of the women who are only believed

To be crying wolf, we turn a blind eye while

Women are dying.

The SYSTEM knows no justice

Police don’t believe victims but blame them for their assault

Lawyers are cynical, judges are oblivious

About the realities of Domestic Violence;

In their cinderblock world Violence Against Women

Doesn’t exist.

The SYSTEM is obtuse

believing that if it is “so bad” she will leave.

But where can she go?

Shelters are few and far between,

Faced with poverty or violence

She will lie with the devil she knows even though

She owes him her life and any day now

He will collect.

The SYSTEM is bankrupt

Victim services and crisis workers make miracles happen every day

On a shoestring budget, they do more with less

While the number of deaths continues to rise

How many more women will die because

The man who loves her KILLS HER?

The SYSTEM is Capitalist

Seeing women only as consumable commodities

Valued only for the size of their tits

And their child bearing hips

Women and girls are not equal,

not seen as people

And so are not worthy of protection.

The SYSTEM is failing

When she stays she is blamed,

When she leaves she is shamed,

If she dares to take a risk

She is 6 times more likely to be killed by her abuser

Danger doesn’t end with a change of address.

The SYSTEM is sick

It’s time to burn it down to the ground

Fuel the fire with this oath:

Enough bruises and broken bones

Enough tears and trauma

Enough children left motherless.

From the ash we will rebuild with this promise:

I SEE you, I HEAR you

I BELIEVE you

The SYSTEM is broken

It is as broken as her wrist her arm her collarbone

Her heart

Her spirit

Why We Need Slut Walk

Three years ago I founded Slut Walk Lanark County. I created a Facebook page and started getting the word out. I formed a committee to help organize our first event and recruit supporters. Many people I spoke with in the field of  advocating for women supported me and were excited to finally have a Slut Walk in our County. In September 2014 was launched at a Take Back The Night event in Carleton Place. The local newspaper wrote about it, and there was a small buzz created. But when it came time to organize the inaugural march, the community was not supportive. Businesses refused to sponsor the March or put posters up, schools would not allow me to come speak to students and some of the organizations that supported SWLC were threatened with funding being pulled if they associated themselves with SWLC. Though the need for Slut Walk was glaringly apparent in Lanark County, it was not supported and so, the inaugural march was postponed. Public education was going to be the focus of the local chapter with a view to organizing a march in the future.

The progress of creating public awareness about what Slut walk is about and why we need it in our County has been  slow and uphill. At other events meant to educate people about rape culture, domestic violence and gender based violence, I would be there, talking about Slut Walk and handing out pamphlets and posters. People were not receptive and even refused my posters because the word “Slut” was on them. This word is so offensive to people that they cannot even touch a paper with the word printed on it. This made me frustrated, no, angry, because women and girls are called Sluts every day and we have to just live with it, accept it as normal, as okay. But, it’s not!

There have been many movements addressing rape culture and violence against women: #YesAllWomen, #TheGhomeshiEffect, #IBelieveVictims, Slut Walk, HollaBack, Take Back the Night, to name a few. These movements are necessary, unfortunately, but not overly effective, obviously. Women are still being assaulted and raped, women still feel unsafe walking alone at night (or in the daytime, in public, really), women and girls are sexualized and objectified, we are slut shamed and blamed, cat called and groped etc. We are told that “boys will be boys” and we shouldn’t take it so personally. We are told to dress in a way to not draw attention to ourselves, to our breasts or buttocks, our legs or tummies.  We are taught how to protect ourselves if we are attacked, to carry our keys between our fingers, to check under and inside our cars  before getting in them. We are accused of lying when we report assault or rape. Women are not valued, not protected, not believed. We are not equal; in 2017 women are not viewed as anything more than sex objects and body parts. This makes me furious.

A friend wrote on her Facebook timeline about her thirteen year old daughter and friend being cat called and verbally assaulted while walking home from the store. The girls were so shocked by what was being shouted across the road at them they could not react. When the men became more aggressive in their language, calling them sluts and whores, the girls became frightened and ran the rest of the way home. My friend had to console and reassure these frightened and confused girls, which was difficult. But, even more difficult, she had to speak to them about how to protect themselves next time this happens, because it will happen again. And again. And again. Reading her post, tears filled my eyes as I felt so sorry for these girls having to experience this. My tears burned my eyes and then anger, no rage, burned my heart, my gut. This should not be happening! Not just in our community, but anywhere. Girls should not be subjected to the whims of men who think they own girls’ bodies and have a right to leer at them and call out obscenities.

When I was promoting the inaugural march for Slut Walk Lanark County, many people, some of them friends, complained about the name. There was much debate about the name of Slut Walk and even with explanation and information, people, mostly women, expressed a strong dislike for the name. They were offended over the word “Slut” and wondered why this word had to be used; is repulsive and crude. And they are right about that, it is. And women know because we hear it thousands of times during our life as boys and men hurl it at us as an insult or threat, other girls and women use it accusingly to judge and belittle one another, police officers and lawyers and judges use it to diminish the claims of sexual assault and rape, making it the victim’s fault. Women hear the word Slut and worse so many times in our lives that we almost accept it as part of the landscape of womanhood. But, this apathy, this acceptance is dangerous. It allows men to continue to sexualize and objectify us, our daughters, our sisters, our mothers our friends… We must not tolerate this language, this behaviour any longer. We must stand in Solidarity and fight back.

Rural communities are less forward thinking than urban areas. The exposure to diversity and social justice is very limited. The moral codes and social norms are often carried over from the previous generations because things have “always been this way” and so they are accepted as correct. People don’t speak out against racism, homophobia, misogyny etc. because much of the time they don’t even recognize it for what it is. Slut shaming and victim blaming is what happens when a woman is assaulted; obviously she was asking for it. Look how she was dressed, where she was, how much she drank, her reputation, etc., etc., ad nauseam. Much of the time, girls and women don’t even realize they have been assaulted or raped, or if they do, they don’t report it because they either don’t think they have a right to protection or they don’t think they will be believed. Women live in domestic violence and don’t even realise that they do not have to live with violence because they witnessed it growing up or have been experiencing abuse most of their lives. Domestic violence is their normal. Girls are taught that their value weighs heavily on whether or not they have a boyfriend and, later on, a husband, because they are not valuable in their own right.

This is why I founded Slut walk Lanark County. This is why I sit on the Sexual Assault/Domestic Violence Committee, why I sit on the board for Peggy’s House, why I volunteer at Interval House. This is why I show up and speak out. I grew up in this community and I have raised my children here. I lived within the bubble filled with rape culture and homophobia and misogyny. But I did not teach my children to accept these things; I taught them to be different, to be advocates for themselves and others, to be feminists.

Feminism needs to be taught in schools, modelled and demonstrated. Parents need to teach their children that all people are equal and have a right to be treated with dignity and respect. Generational views that are patriarchal and misogynist must not be carried on, but called what they are and abandoned. The only way we are truly going to keep girls and women safe is to accept nothing less than absolute equality. I feel sick knowing that my girls have grown up in rape culture. I am disheartened that younger girls are still growing up in it and that adults are still allowing it to happen. However, I am also infuriated by this and so the fire in my gut burns strong and I will continue to stand in Solidarity with women and girls. I will keep marching, keep talking, keep advocating until there is no need for me to do so.

My motivation is this: wouldn’t it be amazing if my granddaughter didn’t know what rape culture was? Or my great-granddaughter only learned about it in her sociology class as part of the history of Feminism? Wouldn’t it be a dream come true to live in a world that is Feminist? “You may call me a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.” (John Lennon) So, this is a call to all the other Dreamers out there; raise your voice, move your feet and let’s smash the Patriarchy and end rape culture!

Money Talks

Divorce is a nasty experience for so many, but even more so for women who are leaving an abuser. Since leaving my abuser in 2004, after an 11 year court battle, I have become and advocate for women in my community. I have joined several advisory boards and activist groups who are striving to make changes to the way society views domestic violence and make changes to laws, the legal and justice systems. Having years of lived experience in the Family Court, Criminal Court, child protection and social service systems, I have made it my personal mission to advocate for women and empower them to rebuild their lives after they have left their abuser.

But, you, know, the battle has been uphill. Systems are slow to work and the powers that be are resistant to change. Voices fall on the deaf ears of politicians who pay lip service to the deadly problem of domestic violence, but do not put their money where their mouth is when it’s time to act. They show up for the photo opportunity, but when you call to be added to a Town Council agenda or to get a meeting with a Municipal Member of Parliament, their schedules are full and not flexible; essentially, you are ignored. Now that they have the media attention and the photo of them shaking your hand after making empty promises to pass a Bill that will make a real difference in the lives of women, you are no longer of interest to them.

In rural communities, sytems are so entrenched in tradition and conservatism that even speaking about change can cause outrage and stir up the pot of misogyny and Patriarchy so much that you are left feeling as though you are under threat. People get so angry and lash out so violently when you even suggest that the way things “have always been  done” no longer is a valid justification for allowing women and children to live in violent homes, afraid for their safety and their lives. Many still believe that what happens in a home is not anyone’s business but those that live within those walls, that it is a “family matter” and they will not step up and help. Many still live under the Patriarchal misconception that the man is the “head of the household” so he should have control, he should be obeyed and he has a right use his word, his hands or whatever other means he deems appropriate to maintain control in “his” home.

I’m stepping up, daily, to say, “No, it’s not okay.” This is not the way it should be. No, I won’t be quiet, mind my own business or look away. As a Survivor, I will use my voice and speak for those who cannot speak for themselves. I will show up at Town Council meetings, Committee meetings, Marches and Rallies. I will speak up at the grocery store, in a parking lot, at a bar, on the street; if I see violence, I am going to call it out and I am going to do what I can to stop it.

I wish more people would do this. I wish that when a woman is murdered, raped, abused, goes missing, that people would take to the streets in outrage and demand that the government take notice and changes the laws that do not protect women, but should. That the judicial systems and police services would take notice and do more to protect women, that they would listen to women and believe them. I wish that women were as valuable in our society as men, as money, as power. I wish women were viewed as equal, as important, as persons.

I’m tired of wishing. I’m sick to death of being shushed and patronized. I’m frustrated that friends and peers do not think that my advocacy is anything more than a way of keeping my past wounds open, that I am still bitter and angry. I’m dismayed that government representatives and Crowns and Police don’t show up to hear what victims, survivors and advocates are saying, are experiencing.   I’m tired of advocating and talking, of making speeches and blogging “in hopes” that people will listen, will think, will act. And I’m fucking furious that when we talk, when we march, when we show up and speak out we are called Feminazis, man-haters, extremists.

Too many women are still living in dangerous households. too many children are witnessing or suffering abuse. Too many women are being left destitute and living in poverty after divorce. Too many women are being murdered, too many are children left motherless. Too many women are disappearing, too many families are  left wondering, worrying. In rural communities, the rates of these occurrences are two to four times more than in urban areas. That is unacceptable!

More government funding needs to be directed to rural areas to build and improve infrastructure to allow efficient,  effective supports and services for women There is an overwhelming need for more affordable housing, transitional housing, transportation services, income supports, mental health providers and health care providers. Education programs need to be funded to enable advocates to get into schools and educate youth about healthy relationships. Public Education campaigns need to be funded to allow advocacy agencies to speak to the public about what they can do to facilitate change in their communities. Survivors need to be financially compensated for their invaluable role in these campaigns where they speak their lived experience and give credibility to these campaigns.

Money talks and put in the right places, it can speak loud and clear that women have a right to exist, free from fear of violence. Women have a right to live their lives, and navigate the world feeling safe.

 

No, I can’t “just get over it.”

I read It’s Time: Canada’s National Strategy to Prevent and Address Gender-based Violence today. I was part of the development of this Strategy, with a group of other strong and determined Survivors. We met over the course of a year to discuss our experiences in the Family Law, Criminal and Civil Court systems, as well as our experiences with social service agencies and child protection agencies. We culminated our accounts, thoughts and experiences, along with comprehensive recommendations, in to a report that was presented to the Minister of the Status of Women earlier this year. So, I was very curious and eager to read the report, particularly because our group, Believe/Croyez has been selected  from a National pool of other advocacy groups, who also provided reports of their own, with the hopes of being selected to work with the government in making this Strategy become a reality. Believe/Croyez will receive grant money to put our recommendations in to action and change the landscape of gender-based violence in this country, with a view to ending it.

So many parts of the report had me feeling hopeful and reassured; finally, it seems, the government is listening. Finally, we have a plan and that is a very good start. Something really struck me, though. A paragraph that says, “Violence can have life-long impacts on an individual’s physical, mental, sexual and reproductive health. Impacts can include physical injury and death, disabilities- including depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder- as well as sexually transmitted infections, unintended pregnancy, miscarriage, substance use, absence from school or work, job loss and social isolation.”  This is more true than anyone can know. I have often said, in an effort to lighten a very heavy mood when speaking about my own experiences, that domestic violence is the gift that keeps on giving. Just when a woman thinks she’s turned a corner, there seems to always be yet another road block for her to overcome. Being a victim is traumatizing , life threatening and life changing, but just because you’re “out” doesn’t mean it’s over.

Speaking for myself and, if I may, my children, we are still coping with the aftermath of my abusive marriage. I left my husband July 21, 2004, and still today, the shadows of Jason’s abuse hangs over us. We all have a degree of PTSD, depression and anxiety. We have all sustained physical, emotional and psychological injury from our abuser, causing us to miss work, school, become isolated from friends and family at times and, when we just couldn’t figure out a way to connect, from each other. I would often miss work in the early days of my separation due to lawyers’ meetings, court dates, doctor’s  and counselling appointments for my kids. But there were also times I missed work because the fear of leaving my house was so great, I couldn’t get myself through the door. The anxiety I felt being away from my children and not knowing for sure they were safe would have me keeping my children home from school for movie days, making ice cream sundaes while avoiding their questions about why they “got to” stay home today.

Often I would stay home rather than going out with friends because I just couldn’t handle their questions or worse, their lack of questions. They did not understand what I was experiencing and did not know how to support me. Seeing them living their “normal” lives was so painful for me; I felt like a failure in so many ways, it was just easier to make excuses and stay home. At times, friends just stopped inviting me, and I knew they were excluding me, but I didn’t blame them. I wasn’t much fun to be around with my anger and paranoia, my guilt and jealousy. Home with my babies was where I wanted to be and in spending so much time with my children, in keeping us all so close together, I created an isolation and a co-dependency that would later cause a rift in the family that I am not sure we (I) will ever be able to repair. My eldest daughter has left home, has stopped speaking to me and, while my heart is broken, I understand her motivation completely. She needs to separate herself from all that reminds her of the pain and hurt that was her childhood.

I suffer from PTSD, OCD, Anxiety and Depression… I never realized a person could have all of these diagnoses until I was awarded them, like a prize for “worst dressed” at a red carpet event. These are all badges I wear and the pin pricks in my skin where the various cocktails of medication do not numb their sharp points are reminders that while my marriage is long over, the effects of it are not. I am prone to self-medication with alcohol and, on occasion, recreational drugs. I have rituals that must be completed daily (hourly, minute-by-minute depending on my anxiety level)  some of which, my children can tell you,  are extreme and, for them, invasive. They have never enjoyed me vacuuming and mopping the floors and even less so when the vacuum is turned on while they are sleeping or trying to watch TV. I do both of these things daily, sometimes four or five times a day at my most anxious. There have been times where I have not slept for days and other times when its all I could do to get out of bed. Some say it is a testament to my strength that I always did get out of bed, but it was not so much my strength as my guilt, knowing I owed it to my kids to get out of bed and make the best effort I could to parent them. There were many days I went back to bed after I got the kids to school and stayed there until it was time to pick them up again.

I also have chronic pain in my back and chronic sciatica. I am told the injuries are those consistent with those a person would sustain from repeated hard falls to the floor on one’s bum. The vertebra in my back have been compressed to the point that I have bulging discs and deterioration, and the sacrum and pelvic bones have been damaged and this causes chronic sciatica. I was not a particularly clumsy child, according to my father, and I am 99% sure these injuries are from literally being knocked on my ass by my husband on many occasions. The pain is never completely fades, no matter how many pharmaceutical drugs my doctors prescribe, or how much alcohol I drink. The constant burning and ache are always there, reminding me of the trauma I survived. The pain keeps me prisoner in a cage of resentment, knowing that it will never get any better and I will never truly be free of “him”.

The choices I made, to leave twelve times and go back thirteen, were made in desperation and a will to protect my babies and try to make the best of a marriage doomed to fail. Even in leaving for the final time, I knew it would not be over just because I vowed to never go back, putting borders and country between us, to guarantee it. I knew he would come for me, and he did. Ten years of courts, lawyers, negotiations, left me bankrupt and living in a deeper poverty pit than I ever imagined. The stalking, threats, break and entering, dozens of daily emails kept me feeling afraid for my life and made it impossible for me to be completely present in any given moment. I lived in a state of hyper vigilance for so many years, that my body could not withstand the stress and so I now have fibromyalgia , a painful, difficult disorder that exacerbates the pain I already live with. I have  a sleep disorder that keeps me from falling in to R.E.M. which is required to repair and restore your body. I rarely wake up feeling refreshed.

Still when I go near the Perth Courthouse, I can feel the bile of fear rising in my throat. My hands get clammy, my stomach turns and tears well up in my eyes. When I receive an email from Jason, I still feel anxious and afraid, just seeing his name in my inbox. I received a note from my daughter’s orthodontist last week and it had a hand written note from Jason on it. Seeing his hand writing gave me such a jolt I dropped the paper. I put the letter away; I’ll come back to it when I feel I can. Isn’t that pathetic?

Strength, composure, competence is what people see when I meet them. I dress nicely, I do my hair and my make up daily. I present myself to the world as a Survivor who has overcome her demons and is moving forward in her life. And I am, moving forward. But the demons are at my back, talking in my ear, reminding me that I failed to protect my children, that their pain is my fault, that the future is non-existent.

I separated from my abuser July 21, 2004. I packed up my children and pugs and fled in the night, back to my hometowns to escape. We did not escape. And though court matters have been settled since August 5, 2015, the aftermath and the effects of my marriage are still with me. I will always be “surviving”. My children have a future ahead of them that sometimes seems out of reach, but I will always be there to encourage and support them. Their road is longer and perhaps more treacherous than most and I blame myself for much of that. So, when people say, “It’s been thirteen years. Can’t you just get over it?” I tell them, “No. I can’t.” I cannot just get over it because it’s not over for me. It never will be. That’s the reality of domestic violence. Leaving is not the end. It’s just the beginning of another journey filled with pain, fear and guilt. We Survivors are stronger than anyone, except another Survivor,  can ever really know. We put one foot in front of the other every single day, looking a head to a future we sometimes don’t even trust is there. We cannot get over it. It changed our lives, changed who we were and who we could have become. We wear the badge of Survivor without ever having had the choice to not. Our physical, mental, emotional and financial wellness is fleeting, inconsistent and unpredictable. So don’t ask me why I can’t “just get over it.” This is now my life. And the only way to “get over it” is to end it. That is the raw, unsugarcoated, truth. Society doesn’t want to hear this and for decades the trauma of domestic violence was ignored, swept under the rug. But, now we have a strategy, a plan. I was part of that and that is so empowering.

The path I’m on now is exactly where I want to be, speaking out and advocating to end violence against women. I will keep working toward this, keep fighting and keep lending my voice to those who don’t yet know they have their own. I Believe/Croyez we can end violence against women.

 

 

Family Law System Still Fails Women Everyday.

The Family Law system in Ontario is flawed. I mean, it is an absolute waste land of legal jargon, suppositions and red tape that makes it nearly impossible for people to navigate.  We have lawyers who are jaded, judges who are untrained and ignorant about the dynamics of domestic violence and abuse, and they are unsympathetic to victims of sexual assault, victim services workers who are underfunded and over worked, social workers who are indifferent. How are women supposed to navigate this system and protect themselves and their children?

I work with women who are victims of domestic violence and/or sexual assault daily. I collaborate with shelters, outreach services and advocates to support victims and survivors  and what I hear is a lot of anger that women and children are not being protected by the systems that are supposed to be the guard at the gate, keeping them safe from their abusers. Police are not believing victims, lawyers are not supporting their clients, judges have little or no understanding of the complexities of domestic violence and abuse and the prison and parole systems are just not effective. The system needs an overhaul and it needs it yesterday! Too many women and children are dying at the hands of their abusers and it has to stop. If the deaths of women and children is not enough to spur the government to make meaningful changes to policy and pass more comprehensive and effective laws, what will it take?

Domestic violence is a unique area and it requires specialization to effectively support victims and give them real justice. Judges, lawyers, police and social workers all should be required to have training that is specific to the complexities of domestic violence and the training should be mandatory and updated on a yearly schedule.

One of the biggest areas of concern is the court ordered Family Assessments. These assessments are invasive, lengthy and ineffective. They cost a lot of money and require a large time investment and the results are typically generic and unrealistic. There are limited psychologists in the province who provide this “service” and often times the assessments take much longer than expected. In my experience, the assessors are also misogynist hiding behind their Masters Degrees and they definitely don’t have training or knowledge of the dynamics of a DV situation.

When these assessments are ordered, there is little or no consideration given to how this will affect a child. The mental and emotional well-being of children is not considered; it is all about the rights and entitlements of the abuser (father). The mother is scrutinized and interrogated and made to feel as though she is the one who is in the wrong. Home visits and sessions in the office of the psychologist that are long and exhausting are mandatory. Children are not permitted to have their mother or another trusted adult  in the room and they are interviewed alone, with a stranger. It is frightening for these children and they often shut down and cannot provide clear or accurate answers to the questions being asked. Those children that are a bit older, teens perhaps, are often confrontational or defiant. These behaviours are all held against the mother, and indicator that she has somehow coached the children or spoken ill of her abuser (their father) and so they show an allegiance to their mother that can only indicate parental alienation. What is misunderstood here is that women and children become almost co-dependant when they have been victims of DV and they are fiercely protective of one another as a means of survival.

Recommendations made by the psychologists are often unrealistic, insensitive and even callous. The emotional and mental well-being of the children, and that of their mother, is ignored, not even accounted for. Supervised access and reintegration is most often recommended as a result of these assessments, sometimes with joint custody. This is appalling! Expecting a victim to share custody, decision-making and child rearing responsibilities with her abuser is just unacceptable.

Supervised access agencies are notorious for being biased in favour of the abuser (typically men). Their so-called impartial facilitators are anything but, writing comments in reports that reflect their biases and can cause judicial hardship to the woman and her children.

Mediation is often expected of the woman, sometimes her participation in a co-parenting training class is mandatory. This is a cruel and irresponsible expectation as it puts the woman in a position of being legally bullied by her abuser and keeps her feeling vulnerable and isolated. Women cannot be expected to sit across a table from her abuser and discuss parenting or anything else with her abuser. The imbalance of power is too great and the insensitivity of this being recommended and expected by assessors and judges is proof that these people do not have an understanding of DV, nor do they have any regard for a woman’s emotional and psychological safety.

Throughout these processes, women are often left waiting for a child support order. Abusers often do not submit their financial statements or tax returns in a timely manner, or they lie about their income, and they are given excessive amounts of time to withhold this information and delay the child support order. The courts enable the abuser to financially abuse their victim. The Family Responsibility Office is slow to process court orders and have support payments deducted from and abusers income, leaving women and children living in dire financial hardship while they wait for FRO to get their paper work done. FRO is not aggressive with penalties for men who do not pay. The case workers are not allowed to use their discretion or common sense when interpreting support orders as they actually “are” rather than what they “say” and this leads to further delays in processing. Wording of orders is often ambiguous and while clarification is awaited, women and children live in poverty and uncertainty.

All of this is why domestic violence training must be developed along-side survivors, advocates and front line workers to develop a comprehensive and meaningful training program. The training should be made mandatory for every service provider, agency, police officer, lawyer and judge who will be in contact with a victim/survivor of domestic violence and their children. This is the only way to ensure that women and children are not revictimized and are actually protected by the very systems they are relying on to do so. It’s time for people to demand this change and pressure their government representatives to pass meaningful legislation and make funding programs that support victims a priority. Talk is cheap, women and children are dying and now is the time for action. Let’s push our government to put its money where its mouth is!