Silence is Not Golden

Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster. I felt angry, mostly, but also concerned for my daughter and scared and sad and frustrated and angry all over again.

I was awoken yesterday morning by the phone ringing; it was my eldest daughter. Her book, “Am I Not” had been taken off the publishing house, Lulu, website and was no longer available for purchase. This was due to complaints made by Jason and his wife about privacy violations to them because this book is written about the abuse that Em suffered as a child. They insist the book is a lie and that their family’s privacy is being violated. If they had actually read the book, they would know that Jason’s name had been changed in the book and his wife is barely mentioned, certainly not by name. This is Em’s story, the book is about her, not them.

I was furious when she told me this. How could Lulu remove her book when they had been removing Jason’s reviews from the page for inappropriate content? Why were they not banned from the site? How is removing Em’s book and essentially giving her abuser power over her right and fair?

A campaign then ensued and is still going on to have Lulu re-instate the book. In the meantime, Facebook has been a buzz of comments and posts about this unjust situation; no one has the right to bully or harass someone just because you don’t like what they are saying. Just because you don’t want to believe what you are being told does not make their words lies.

Jason has bullied and harassed my family for nearly ten years. He has been allowed to continue to abuse us through the courts, financially because he is never penalized for child support arrears and emotionally through these sorts of tactics.

We escaped from Jason in July of 2004. Since then he has used the courts to attempt to force the children to see him, accused me of parental alienation, forced us into a Family Assessment that took three years to complete and then amounted to a recommendation that I have sole custody of the children and there was no evidence of parental alienation. The report suggested that Jason get counselling and stop being angry at me and move on. It also stated that he was not currently a danger to the children and that they should enter a re-integration process to rebuild a relationship with their father. This suggestion brought us back to court and another eighteen months of battle and more legal fees; Jason wanted all the control in how this process would be carried out and in the end, he got what he wanted. I ran out of money and my lawyer at the time was tired of the fight.  Jason insisted on using Doug Mattocks at the Rose Garden; the children had a history with this man and that agency. They did not trust Doug and so the process was doomed from the start and it went nowhere. Of course, this led us back to court with Jason suing for custody of the children.

This time I had legal aid and a fantastic lawyer who knew the law and was not afraid of Jason and his tactics. Alex Fergusson does a lot of work for clients of Interval House; Jason was nothing new. His words: “I have seen worse douchebags than your ex. Bring it on.” I loved this guy! In the end, the courts told Jason that he was too late; he could not force his teenage children to see him. He could not have custody. His failed relationship with his children was due to his own behaviour and it was up to him to fix it. The courts were not the way to go about it. If Jason’s kids are not talking to him, that is his fault, the judge said, it is ALWAYS the fault of the parent. The judge also suggested that using the courts to force his children to do something they don’t want to do and not being on time with support or withholding funds is not a productive way to build a positive relationship; it does not demonstrate that he has changed. Of, course Jason was very unhappy about this outcome and blamed me for the way the judge dismissed him. Somehow, I had gotten to the judge and swayed his position.

Oh yes, I am a mastermind at manipulation. According to Jason I have snowed the Children’s Aid, countless counsellors and even the police. Not to mention doctors, lawyers and court officials. I have somehow bribed them all into helping me to destroy Jason and keep his kids from him.

All of this came back to me when my daughter told her about her book being taken off the publishing website. Jason was once again making threats of legal action to get his way. He was once again given power over my daughter to continue to try to silence her and keep her in check.  What he does not understand is that she will not be silenced and neither will I. Her book is her story and she has a right to tell it. And she is.

Her book is now available for Kindle and Kobo. The copies that have already been sold from Lulu are still in circulation and frankly, Jason’s tactics have only increased interest in this book. The truth is out, in black and white.

 

I call Bullshit!

A couple weeks ago, my youngest child and the younger of my two daughters decided she had some questions to ask her father. This idea came to her after watching Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, in which one of the characters has an absentee father with whom she decides to reconnect when she is sixteen. The efforts this girl made did not result in a renewed and loving father/daughter relationship and the girl was left feeling rejected and angry.

My daughter was quite angry as well. She identified with this character’s bewilderment at the intentional absence of her father and the denial of any wrong-doing or neglect of his responsibilities. While my ex-husband was not, in the beginning, intentionally absent from my children’s lives, he has chosen to be now. After all the court battles and the Family Assessments and a Re-integration process, all of which failed to meet his goal of gaining custody of the children he had abused and exploited, he gave up. He did not get what he wanted, how he wanted it and so he walked away. He refused to acknowledge his children’s need for an apology and an acknowledgement of what he had done to them and that it was still effecting them today. He refuses to financially support them in any way unless it is forcefully done; his wages are garnished and child support is paid through the Family Responsibility Office. Jason takes no responsibility for the non-existent relationship he has with his children; he blames me. It is my fault that the children won’t speak to him or see him. So why was my daughter so angry?

Because, as she so pointedly asked Jason, he put them through so much and when the opportunities were given to him to make things right, he refused. He literally abandoned his children at the precipice of a renewed relationship with them. Jason subjected his children to countless hours of anxiety and fear, forcing them through the courts to attend supervised access visits. He had me in court dozens and dozens of times trying to prove my unfitness as a parent, prove parental alienation (that is to say, I was poisoning the children’s minds and causing them to fear their father with allegations of abuse that never really happened.) and he was never successful even a little bit in these endeavours. He used the courts to maintain a position of control and power in our family by allowing him to subject us to a Family Assessment which took three years to complete. He used the courts to force the children in to a Re-Integration process that failed miserably, as it was fated to because the whole process was based on a lie; that Jason did not actually abuse his children. Of course, telling a person who has been beaten, molested and mentally and emotionally abused that it did not really happen, or worse, that it was a “long time ago” so they should just move on, is not the best way to convince a survivor to renew a relationship with their abuser. Why this relationship should be fostered makes no sense to me, but that subject is better addressed in another blog.

But after all of this, Jason just walked away. With a court order that says he can pay less child support for his children. With a new wife and a fourth child, living in a half million dollar home. He put on a big show about how much he loved his children, insisted that court orders contain a clause that said he was “allowed” to send gifts, cards etc. on birthdays and holidays, but he did not once send anything. He continues to deny what he did to his children and therefore “cannot apologise for something that he did not do.” It does not matter that the four of us were ALL THERE and that we all have very vivid memories of the terror he inflicted upon us at his will, on any whim. He is sitting pretty in his big house with his new wife and family and we are left holding the bag of stinking, festering shame that comes with being a victim of abuse.

My daughter decided to email Jason and ask him these questions of “Why?”. Below are these emails. I believe that my daughter wrote these emails with an honest heart and a right to answers. Jason owes her at least that much. The answers she received were not empathetic or considerate of what she was going through, no paternal instincts kicking in to put his child first and answer her questions truthfully and thoroughly. But, as she is learning, that is not Jason’s way. Jason is a liar, a sexual deviant and a narcissist to the extreme. I am angry at him, again, still, for the way he addressed my daughter, the lies he told and the hurt that he caused her. The hurt just keeps on coming and he cares not a lick for the damage he causes.

On Thu, Jul 4, 2013 at 9:34 PM, M wrote:

did you even care?
why did you go through all that trouble with lawyers if you weren’t actually going to send us anything or talk to us?
what was the point.
why won’t you admit to what did to us?
raping E.
molesting me.
abusing F.
and emotionally damaging my mother.
what parent does that to their own flesh and blood?
you mean nothing to me.
you are never going to mean anything to me.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I
HATE
YOU.

~M

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 2013 12:16:56 -0400
Subject: Re: Question.
From: jason_coburn@mitel.com

Hi M and F

I have decided to address this to both of you as it pertains to both of you.

I do care more about both of your than perhaps you realize or will ever realize until such a time that you have children of your own. I love you both very very much which is the reason I spent an enormous amounts of time, energy and yes money trying to gain access to both of you in the attempts to resume a relationship with you both.

All attempts have failed with little or no feedback from either of you, presents and cards returned either left on my car or returned in the mail not accepted.

M I even tried to say happy birthday to you a time or two on facebook and you never acknowledged or responded in any manner.

F you actually responded to Megan’s happy birthday, you indicated to Dr D and Doug Mattachs at Rose Garden you wanted to see me. When I inquired or appointments were made you never responded at that time and the Rose Garden visit to be was cancelled by your mother. (there is email from your mother to back that up if you wish to see it)

At any rate for both of you many things have been said and thrown my way about issues that took place while we were all together. While I may not have been a perfect parent to both of you I did the best that I could given the circumstances. I have always loved you both and will always love you both. I know I was hard on you both as well as your sister, I expected too much and I know that was wrong. I yelled often and I did spank you both at times when I thought it was the right time. I could and can never admit to things I did not do as I am sure you cannot as well. I hope nothing like that ever happens to either of you or the rest of your family including your mother. At this point there has been enough mud slinging name calling and wild accusations there really should be a time to move forward as we are all different people at this point. You both do not even know who I am at this point and its the same on this end I don’t know either of you as you are now. You were 4 and 6 when you were taken away from me and your now 14 and 16 growing up fast.

Should either of you wish to be part of my life that is now on both of your I have tried my best to make sure that happened these past 9 to 10 years. Its up to both or you or one of you should you choose you know how to get a hold of me, my door will always be open to you and if your ever ready to hear and understand the other side of this whole ordeal I will be ready to discuss it with you. It would be great to be able to introduce you to your younger brother, he is a ball of fun. M he likes to pull sneaky tricks like you use to and F he has a love of water, water guns and the hose just as you used to.

We would love for you to be part of our lives, our door will always be open.

Again its up to both of you if you decide at some point you want a relationship or attempt to try at one I am always here waiting

Love your Dad/Jason

On Mon, Jul 29, 2013 at 8:17 PM, M> wrote:

Well, if you didn’t molest me, rape E and my mother or physically and emotionally abuse F, how is it possible that we all have such vivid memories of it all? Explain that to me.

Also, you should order a copy of an interesting and detailed memoir called ‘Am I Not’ it is written by Em Kwissa

Screw you,

M.

Date: Tue, 30 Jul 2013 05:09:33 -0400
Subject: Re: Question.
From: jason_coburn@mitel.com

That’s really interesting M as I have never touched you in any way shape or form as far as molesting you and you know that.

If I had raped E then why was there never a charge by the police for that when they went so low to try and charge me for throwing a glass of milk in her face and when asked if there was anything else in court she answered no and there has never been an accusation of rape until your saying it now.

As for your mother she was raped before I ever met her and I certainly did not rape her either, that’s been proven in a court of law, come on why would someone get raped then have another child (YOU) with her rapest and then move 3000 miles away from family and friends (a support system) It makes no sense but then none of this whole ordeal has.

As far as your memories go great it would be nice if you had your own instead of whats been told to you. You were only checked out at CHEO not once but twice with no conclusion towards molesting of any kind believe me I would have taken the hit for that too just like everything else has been blamed on me

It would also be nice if these emails sounded a bit like they were you but I have to say they sound alot like somebody else is writing them

I will certainly look for the book for sure it should be a good read.

Again my door is always open to you or your brother should you wish to seek something positive

Love Dad/Jason

From: m
To: jason_coburn@mitel.com
Subject: RE: Question.
Date: Thu, 1 Aug 2013 00:12:55 -0400

Thank you Jason for proving to me, your daughter, M, that you are a no good, bullshit minded son of a cunt.

FYI,
I’m allowed to have brains. You clearly don’t.

Go rot in Hell you worthless piece of fucking shit and if I ever find out you’ve ever hit, beaten or molested my little brother I swear to The Lord I will kill you. You better give that kid a good life. He deserves that from his father. As did F, E and I. But you were our father, and you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself.

Fuck you.

M.